There are so many things I really need to catch up on, and hopefully I will, but for now I really want to record my progress along this whole strength process.
In my first Strength post, I talked about feeling guided and directed to narrow down my year’s focus to “Strength”. As I pondered that in the Temple, I was prompted to ask for a priesthood blessing. When Brennan gave me that blessing he gave voice to a promise from the Lord. I was promised the desires of my heart will be granted. As soon as those words came out of his mouth, tears streamed down my face. I have sought a particular blessing for many years now, it’s been a long and often frustrating quest. The kind of journey that is two steps backwards, one step forward. I have struggled with how open to be about this, but have felt like I need to share this experience on my blog. I don’t think there are very many readers left which is fine with me, but I want it on the record of my life. I want my children to know and understand that my faith is more than a weekly observance, or a cultural ritual. This is where the rubber meets the road for me.
This will hopefully be a series about this process, but first I feel like I need to give you a little bit of background. I actually shared a lot of the background in a Relief Society lesson I gave a few years ago (I know, weird, huh?), so I’m going to copy here:
Body and Spirit
April 14, 2013
· I loved Conference! There were so many talks filled with treasures of wisdom and truth, and that I could listen to over and over again learning something new each time. We are so blessed to have inspired leaders who consecrate their time and lives to bring us the word of God.
· One of the talks that stood out to me was Elder Bednar's talk entitled “We Believe in Being Chaste, he said:
Elder Bednar, April 2013
“Because a physical body is so central to the Father’s plan of happiness and our spiritual development, Lucifer seeks to frustrate our progression by tempting us to use our bodies improperly. One of the ultimate ironies of eternity is that the adversary, who is miserable precisely because he has no physical body, entices us to share in his misery through the improper use of our bodies. The very tool he does not have is thus the primary target of his attempts to lure us to spiritual destruction.”
· I have thought a lot about the body and the interesting relationship we have with them. Most of the time when we talk about using our bodies improperly we think about that as it relates to our youth or even men, but what about women? Are we tempted to use our bodies improperly? Of all the groups, I think women often have the most dysfunctional relationship with our bodies.
· What are some of the ways we misuse our bodies?
◦ Extremes of unhealthiness and healthiness
◦ Obsession with physical appearance and fallacy that physical appearance = worth and identity
Sister Susan W. Tanner Oct. 2005
Likewise, we would keep the outside of our bodily temples looking clean and beautiful to reflect the sacred and holy nature of what is inside, just as the Church does with its temples. We should dress and act in ways that reflect the sacred spirit inside us.
Moderation and appropriateness should govern all of our physical desires. A loving Heavenly Father has given us physical beauties and pleasures “both to please the eye and to gladden the heart” (D&C 59:18), but with this caution: that they are “made to be used, with judgment, not to excess, neither by extortion” (D&C 59:20).
The pleasures of the body can become an obsession for some; so too can the attention we give to our outward appearance. Sometimes there is a selfish excess of exercising, dieting, makeovers, and spending money on the latest fashions (see Alma 1:27).
I am troubled by the practice of extreme makeovers. Happiness comes from accepting the bodies we have been given as divine gifts and enhancing our natural attributes, not from remaking our bodies after the image of the world. The Lord wants us to be made over—but in His image, not in the image of the world, by receiving His image in our countenances (see Alma 5:14, 19).
*Elder Holland, Oct 2005
In this same vein may I address an even more sensitive subject. I plead with you young women to please be more accepting of yourselves, including your body shape and style, with a little less longing to look like someone else. We are all different. Some are tall, and some are short. Some are round, and some are thin. And almost everyone at some time or other wants to be something they are not! But as one adviser to teenage girls said: “You can’t live your life worrying that the world is staring at you. When you let people’s opinions make you self-conscious you give away your power. … The key to feeling [confident] is to always listen to your inner self—[the real you.]” 8 And in the kingdom of God, the real you is “more precious than rubies.” 9 Every young woman is a child of destiny and every adult woman a powerful force for good. I mention adult women because, sisters, you are our greatest examples and resource for these young women. And if you are obsessing over being a size 2, you won’t be very surprised when your daughter or the Mia Maid in your class does the same and makes herself physically ill trying to accomplish it. We should all be as fit as we can be—that’s good Word of Wisdom doctrine. That means eating right and exercising and helping our bodies function at their optimum strength. We could probably all do better in that regard. But I speak here of optimum health; there is no universal optimum size.
In terms of preoccupation with self and a fixation on the physical, this is more than social insanity; it is spiritually destructive, and it accounts for much of the unhappiness women, including young women, face in the modern world. And if adults are preoccupied with appearance—tucking and nipping and implanting and remodeling everything that can be remodeled—those pressures and anxieties will certainly seep through to children. At some point the problem becomes what the Book of Mormon called “vain imaginations.” 11 And in secular society both vanity and imagination run wild. One would truly need a great and spacious makeup kit to compete with beauty as portrayed in media all around us. Yet at the end of the day there would still be those “in the attitude of mocking and pointing their fingers” as Lehi saw, 12 because however much one tries in the world of glamour and fashion, it will never be glamorous enough.
· I have thought a lot of about this, and certainly don't have this all figured out, but I did feel like I needed to share some of what I have explored on this topic. I pray you will forgive me for being quite personal.
For most of my life I have been blessed with the gift of confidence or security, that gift combined with the blessing of being raised in a happy, gospel-centered home gave me the unique position of understanding my worth. That said, I didn't think I was smarter or prettier or better than everyone I just knew that as a daughter of God, I had value and worth and that I had a specific purpose here on earth. Because of that I was able to avoid many of the painful insecurities about my body that many of my friends experienced during adolescence.
As I got older I let a few things start to chip away at that a little bit. Several years ago, it came to a head. I was in the throws of young motherhood. I was too sleep deprived and frazzled to appreciate the miraculous beauty and capacity of my body. All I could see was an overweight overworked body who felt exhausted and older by the second. I felt embarrassed and ashamed and even resentful that my weaknesses had to be so visible. Some people get to walk around and pretend they have it all figured out, but I can’t pretend that, with one look it’s apparent I have some things to work on. I found myself retreating into myself more and more. Maybe if I didn't talk or comment in church or be outgoing in anyway, maybe no one would notice that I was overweight.
One day I discovered I had become very unhappy. I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not naturally super quiet and reserved. I wasn't being true to who I was meant to be. The adversary had used my body to fill me with insecurities, to tempt me to forget about all the good I could be doing and instead had me focused on miserable self.
I knew I needed to change. I knew I needed help. Part of me wanted to take extreme measures to lose weight and then all would be well. I had tried more moderate, down to earth approaches and had even had some success, but it was always temporary. As I read my scriptures one day, I found the beginning of my answer.
Alma 60:23
“Now I would that ye should remember that God has said that the inward vessel shall be cleansed first, and then shall the outer vessel be cleansed also.”
I knew that for me, my weight problem was tied directly to my structural flaws. We all have weaknesses. One of my weaknesses is I struggle with discipline. I have a hard time doing anything consistently including exercising and eating well. Bishop Schwab helped me understand that there is no shame in having weaknesses, because Ether teaches us that God, “give unto men weakness that they may be humble”.
I am working and praying that this weakness will someday be made a strength through the grace of my Savior, but that hasn't completely happened yet for me. In the mean time, I have been blessed as the people in the Book of Mormon where when they were in bondage:
Mosiah 24:14
14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
The Lord has certainly made my burden light. I can now see that my body is a sacred blessing. I can also see that just because I have weaknesses and some of those are tied to my body, I have worth. I have much to do and much to offer and contribute to this great cause. We all do!
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